9/11, an excerpt, "I remember thinking, They are shades. They are gone."

I'm letting myself feel it this year. One moment I was thinking about my mother who'd died in August, the next moment I was in a new kind of numb.

It is strange, or not, but I watched the second tower fall on a television in a bar. I'd called an elderly friend on a routine check-in, she started screaming at me and I had the sense to go outside and pay attention. I don't have a television. During the next days and weeks I was thankful for the absence of repetitious terror, visually, at least.

The bar wasn't usually open so early. I don't think, I didn't track its timings and now it's under new ownership, and shiny and glossy so I don't have the luxury of sentimentality, another plus.  Anyway. Anyway. Anyway.

. . .an excerpt from "Everywhere Woman Is Born Free,"* which I posted here in full, a few years ago.  It's in my collection.

Carr Futures/Tower 1/WTC

I remember working one Wednesday

on the 92nd floor.  The people were pleasant,

like they’d all make great neighbors.

I remember pangs in my stomach.  An ulcer?

and asking a friend if I should see a doctor. 

I’m going out on a limb here, Sarah,

but you gotta have some fun.

I remember my mom died a month earlier.

I remember Martha called to say she was

in Jersey and did I want to visit.

I remember being asked back to Carr Futures

after Martha and I made plans.  I called

my friend on a limb.  Should I turn down

work right now?  I remember I went to Jersey. 

It was a Thursday.  I remember rolling down

grassy slopes with Martha’s grandkids. 

I never went back to Carr Futures.

By 11 a.m. on Tuesday everyone was gone. 

Everyone.  Every employee of Carr Futures

who was there that day was gone. 

Where were they?  I remember the floor plan:

the oblong lobby, the maple reception area. 

The offices beyond.  I remember wondering

if any of the exits were contemplated. 

I remember praying it all went fast.

I remember thinking, No one? 

I remember thinking, So many in such a short time?

I remember thinking, They are shades.  They are gone.

I remember thinking, Not one person made it out. 

Poof.  I remember, No one?

The Armory
I remember the Armory across the street became the

first DNA collection center.

I remember my neighborhood a media event.

I remember streets blocked for two weeks.

Everything darker than a nightmare.

Candles, vigils, wax on sidewalks, shattered flames.

Flyers on every wall.  Photographs of smiling people

with their hair well-groomed, missing.

I remember being interviewed:  Do you want revenge?

I remember telling the people of France I wouldn’t

put anyone through this. 

I remember hoping someone understood.

I remember there was no getting away from it. 

The doors of my building opened to the funeral train.

I remember the line down the block and around

the corner.  Loved ones waiting to register.

I remember trying to give blood.

I remember being asked to hand out fliers.

I remember crying because I wanted everyone

to understand I cared as much as Jennifer Lopez.

__________

Sarah Sarai...excerpt from *"Everywhere Woman Is Born Free," (click on poem title for full poem), in The Future Is Happy

Carr Futures was a commodities broker/trader. They've merged. Jennifer Lopez had given money or visited the troops.